“Don’t cry.”

“It’s ok.”

“Calm down.”

Do any of these statements actually make anyone feel better when they are struggling with something?

The intent is usually pure; we want to see our loved one get some relief from whatever is weighing them down. However, in reality, words like this tend to communicate:

“I can’t tolerate being with you while you are having that emotion.”
“Don’t show emotions, stuff it down.”
“You should be able to just turn your emotions on and off, just like that.”
“It’s all in your head.”

Woman comforting another woman who is crying — We tend to be quick with solutions (and this is not just men who do this, contrary to popular belief). We want so badly to fix it for them, because we want to see them feel better.

There is a benefit to us, as the supporter, if they feel better sooner. It can feel uncomfortable to sit with someone who is struggling. We feel powerless, and sometimes we feel responsible for their emotions.

If they feel better sooner, we will also feel better. But jumping to solutions furthers the narrative above and adds nuances like:

“What’s wrong with you that you can’t see this solution?”
“Your problem is so easy to solve I already have a solution for you.”
“I am not interested in listening to the complexities of your problem or what you have already tried to fix it. Here’s a solution, now snap out of it.”

When we are struggling, we don’t risk vulnerability because we want a solution. We do it because we want to feel understood.

Relationships with others can be huge contributors to developing resilience, but the people we are in relationship with need to be safe people for this to happen. They need to actually be supportive and able to be a support.

There is a well-known saying among counselors that often, the clients we work with are in therapy because of others in their life who are not. That is not entirely true – we all are responsible for our own stuff, whether someone else contributed to it or not. But it can be harder to work through our own struggles if the people we live with are reactive to or dismissive of our needs.

Two women hugging — When someone is working on their mental health struggles in therapy and they can spend time with someone who effectively supports their efforts it can make a huge difference in the progress they can make.

It allows them to focus on their issues without trying to hide their process from their closest people.

It frees them up to work on the underlying stuff instead of someone’s reaction to their underlying stuff.

The best way to be a support to others is to make sure you are healthy yourself.

Last week I wrote about balance, which includes self-care. I hope I drove home the point that self-care is not just about “self.” We are better equipped to take care of our loved ones when we attend to our own unique cluster of needs that equip us to function well. We need to be firing on all cylinders when we face challenges in our life, and supporting someone else through mental health struggles can be a challenge.

It can be hard to understand what is going on for the person with mental health struggles, because we are not in their brain, in their heart, in their life, seeing things through their eyes. While they are in the struggle, it is hard for them to sort out what they are dealing with enough to explain it, much less make us understand why it is a struggle for them.

They may be holding trauma that doesn’t connect to language, or they may be aware of just fragments of the story.

They may be holding trauma that feels too shameful to express.

They may be afraid that if they open up, they will never stop crying.

Or worse, that they will be dismissed.

It can be difficult to be the one in a supporting role here. We can feel like we are trying to put together a puzzle but someone else will not give us all of the pieces.

We have to remember that the puzzle is not ours to put together. We can help. We can encourage, but the one with the pieces needs to be allowed to have control over how quickly it gets put together and how much he or she needs to talk about each puzzle piece.

If you are someone working on your own puzzle, you may not have the bandwidth to be that encourager for them without some support for yourself. You may try to put their pieces together like they belong in your puzzle. Or try to fit your puzzle pieces into their puzzle. You may attach meanings about yourself to the way they are putting their puzzle together. You may be upset if they won’t show you a puzzle piece, or if they don’t do all of the straight edges first because your own limiting beliefs have taught you that there are *shoulds.*

Woman on the floor working a puzzle — If this is the case, it can feel easier to the person working on their mental health puzzle to just find a way to exclude you from their process. Which just gives them more puzzle pieces to work on (and keeps you in the dark about understanding what is going on with them).

This puzzle metaphor may feel nebulous, so let me put it into more concrete examples.

If you are someone who experiences anxiety, then the things that your loved one shares with you might stir up your anxious feelings.

You may be someone who trends towards perfectionism, and the fact that your loved one is struggling can feel threatening to the value you have placed on looking like you’ve got your life together.
You could go into “worst-case scenario” mode and get caught up in ramping up the urgency to something worse than your loved one is experiencing.
If you are someone who grew up being the caretaker of others’ emotions, you may take it personally when your loved one is struggling.

You could be attaching meaning that puts you in a position of responsibility for their emotions.
You could act on this by overfunctioning to solve their problem (and robbing them of the lasting change that comes from taking ownership of their problem).
You could be giving yourself an internal beat-down because you are “not enough” to help them through it.
If you are someone who trends towards depression, you could find yourself feeling down and burnt out from empathetically listening to your loved one. If you take those burdens on yourself, it will be harder to be a good support to your loved one.
If you have trauma you have not dealt with, your loved one’s struggle could trigger it. You could find yourself responding to your own trauma instead of trying to understand your loved one’s needs in theirs.

In most of these situations, the potential exists that you might jump to conclusions and create a narrative that is not only inaccurate but maybe even worse than your loved one’s reality. If you haven’t worked on your own thoughts and feelings to know how to manage them when they pop up, your loved one’s struggle can activate your own stress reactions. When we get consumed by our own reactions, we can miss important information that our loved ones are trying to share. Not only does the loved one feel misunderstood, but now they may be feeling guilty for burdening you, or responsible for caretaking your emotions.

It is important to get our own support while we are helping others through their struggles.

This is one reason that many therapists see their own therapist. We want to hold ourselves accountable for scanning for our own triggers, our own meanings, our own activation so we can be sure we are accurately entering into our clients’ experiences of their struggles and supporting them from a place of strength.

I will offer more tips on how to be a good support in future blog posts, but for now, I would encourage anyone who is supporting a loved one through mental health struggles to check in with themselves. It can be very normal and healthy to have big emotions when our loved ones are struggling. We love them! We hate to see them struggle. Checking in on our response can help us identify whether we need to find our own sources of support during this season.

Questions to ask if you have a loved one who is struggling:

What emotions are coming up for me?
What meanings am I attaching to their struggle?

If my loved one feels this way, what am I making it mean about me?
Am I taking responsibility for their feelings? Is that appropriate?
Do I have the capacity to sit with my loved one in their big emotions?
Am I trying to solve their problem for them? Or coming alongside them to support their journey?
Do I feel like they owe me information about their process?
Am I ashamed of any part of their problem?
Am I impatient that it is taking them so long to work through this?
Am I feeling resentful about any part of this situation?
What do I need?

These questions will not tell you “yes, you need some help” or “no, you are in perfect condition to be a fantastic support” but they can get you thinking about your own needs. Making sure you have your own needs taken care of will free you up to listen and support in a way that truly can help your loved one.

I am here to help! If you are a woman in Pennsylvania who wants to check in with a counselor to shore up your own resources for resilience, please reach out.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

Supporting Someone Who Is Working on Their Mental Health, Part 1: Be Mentally Healthy Yourself